today the rain is welcome. maybe its the accompanying warm air, but the light patter is the opposite of gloomy. the chirping birds indicate something more optimistic at work. i sit in class and hear the “sshh”ing of cars on the wet pavement outside, and can’t help but look back on this past school year and all that it has brought. as summer quickly approaches, i look up and embrace the cool drops on my face - they not only seem to convey a sense of closure, but a subtle promise of a new tomorrow.
i’ve had to avoid conversations all day with the words “island”, “plane”, and “real-life”. i was just working out and i literally had to plug my ears to avoid hearing anything that could potentially ruin the entire show.
Its official! just found out i got the job so i am for sure living in seattle for the summer! i pretty much knew that’d be the case, but if feels good to have it all lined up. all the excitement that was previously suppressed by uncertainty can finally make its way out!
today my body aches and my soul gasps for air. today i feel trapped inside my body; held captive. never have a felt so restricted. all i want is to rip out of this skin; break free of this prison.
sometimes i can’t stand the thought of being in my head for another moment. that if i don’t figure out what’s going on inside of someone else’s head, that i will never progress beyond my current existence.
everyday i run away from this possibility with increasing vigor, and yet it feels as if it is just a few moments away from swallowing me up. like one of those nightmares my dad always talks about- where he is being chased and running faster than he ever has, but he looks around and realizes he isn’t moving. he goes nowhere; unable to get away.
do you ever think that all of my most important memories have already happened? that there will be no new experiences. that nothing will register in the same way or with the same impact - no more new feelings.
this absolutely frightens me.
and here i am just waiting. hoping that it will soon be made clear. i remember when my world was full of wonder and effortlessness. when life was just a strand of magic moments strung together, a succession of mysteries revealed, leaving me feeling as though i was in a trance. Now nothing is as straightforward. where is the fascination?
i am a quiet person. I tend to think things through, which usually leads to me not saying too much. And yet here i am, saying too much perhaps. But there are these thoughts and feelings that need to escape. And this makes me feel relieved because lately all i can think about is the ridiculous possibility that I’m losing my ability to feel things with the same intensity. It’s absolutely frightening to feel your feelings sipping out of your grip and being unable to reel them back in. losing them for good without any possibility of reclaiming them.
phantogram or temper trap?
girls or lcd soundsystem?
japandroids, the mountain goats, or she & him?
band of horses or camera obscura?
today’s spring weather only meant one thing: digging out my white adidas shorts and hitting the tennis courts for the first time of the season. but who knew you could get so bad at tennis in the off-season? not this guy. looking forward to warm summer nights and regaining my once prevalent court presence.
what the may?